MUET Writing 800/4 Tips

Recently, an online blog walker emailed me her essay for me to comment on. It was reasonably good but did not follow the academic style per se. Therefore, to illustrate what I mean, I will post sections of her 5 paragraph essay with my revised version so that you can see the difference.

Q : The popularity of online education has increased over the years. Many working adults, housewives and school leavers prefer learning online rather than going to education institutions where they have to be physically present. The popularity of online education is also because of various other reasons. Discuss these reasons.

Fazurah's introduction:

There are many working adults wish to pursue post-secondary education for personal growth and career advancement. The Internet has given many working adults hope for a college diploma or degree, even futher tertiary education. There are many courses offered online such as diplomas, degrees and post-graduate degrees. Thus, they can now attend online education programmes. Online education can be pursued anywhere without formal setting. They are just required a computer or even a smartphone and Internet connectivity if they want to attend online educations programmes.

*Notice that there is no thesis statement. Therefore, this is a poorly organised essay and I would mark down for organisation.

My revised introduction:

There are many working adults who wish to pursue post-secondary education for personal growth and career advancement. The Internet has given many working adults hope for a college diploma or degree. There are many courses offered online such as diplomas, degrees and post-graduate degrees for a variety of fields be they business or arts. Thus, they can now attend online education programmes. Online education is becoming more attractive because it can be pursued anywhere without a formal setting. Students are just required to have access to a computer or even a smartphone and Internet connectivity if they want to attend online educations programmes. Therefore there are many reasons for online learning, namely accessibility, flexibility and cost-effectiveness. 

* Basically, a thesis statement (underlined, last sentence in an intro) is the MOST important sentence in an introduction because it lays out the essay properly and gives the reader a clear roadmap of what is to be discussed.

Fazurah's 1st Point:

First and foremost, there are many people opt for online learning rather than going to education institutions because online education can be pursued by many people anywhere and at anytime. Housewives with children can pursue an education at home without having to leave home responsibilities to others. Housewives are given opportunities to be educated. Other than that, working adults can also pursue an education after working hours, during office lunch break or free time. Thus, many working adults and housewives choose online learning rather than going to education institutions where they have to be physically present.

* Notice that the topic sentence is lengthy and does not have a tangible keyword to summarise this point. Also notice that the mini conclusion is a mere repetition of the question. It does not really concluded the idea in this paragraph.

Edited 1st Point:

First and foremost, there are many people who opt for online learning rather than going to education institutions because online education is very accessible. This means that it can be accessed by all walks of people regardless of place and time. Housewives with children can pursue an education at home without having to leave home responsibilities to others. Other than that, working adults can also pursue an education after working hours, during office lunch break or at their leisure. Thus, many working adults and housewives these days choose online learning because of its easy and convenient accessibility rather than going to education institutions where they have to be physically present.

* Note how much more effective the topic sentence and mini conclusion is here.

Fazurah's 2nd Point:

There are many people prefer online learning rather than going to education institutions because online education provides focused learning. Online education is comprehensive as any campus based education. It caters to students with varied learning styles and allows students to follow personal study routines. The students can study at night or early in the morning, whichever suits them best. The materials prepared cater to different difficulty level. So, the students can focus more on more difficult topics and skips easier ones. Therefore, many people opt for online learning rather than going to education institutions.

* Note again that the mini conclusion is not very effective. There is also a general lack of sequence to aide the flow of the ideas.

Edited 2nd Point:

Moreover, there are many people who prefer online learning rather than going to education institutions because online education provides focused learning that is flexible and suitable to each student’s needs. Online education is as comprehensive as any campus based education. It caters to students with varied learning styles and allows students to follow personal study routines. The students can study at night or early in the morning, whichever suits them best. The materials prepared cater to different difficulty levels while online tutors participating in online forums to guide students are also available. Hence, students can focus better because of the flexibility of online learning leading to more people opting for online learning rather than going to traditional education institutions.

* Note how the flow of the paragraph improves with the right logical connectors (Moreover, ...while...Hence.. etc.)


Fazurah's 3rd Point:

Other than that, online educations reduces study cost and stress which another reason of people choosing online education than going to education institutions. Online education is a cost-effective mechanism for non-traditional students and enables millions around the world to continue their education for betterment. Expensive textbooks are also not required. It is because all the material, for example lecture notes and assignments, can be obtained online or via the internet. There is no need to rush or transportation costs to go to college, so it can avoid stress. Thus, people prefer online education than going to educational institutions.

*Note again the ineffectiveness of the topic sentence and mini conclusion.

Edited 3rd Point:

Other than that, reduced study cost is another reason for choosing online education. Online education is a cost-effective mechanism for non-traditional students and enables millions around the world to continue their education without costing an arm and a leg. In addition, expensive textbooks are also not required with the advent of e-books and online journals. There is no need to rush or pay transportation costs to go to college, so stress as well as financial factors can be reduced as well. Thus, online learning is a more cost-efficient option for today’s fast paced society. 

* Note that being less wordy and using the right terms have a better impact.

Fazurah's Conclusion:

In the nutshell, there are many reason for a working adult, housewives and school leavers to get online education. This type of learning helps them learn faster, retain more information and earn a degree which otherwise would not be possible. Therefore, the popularity of online education has increased over the years because online learning can be pursued by many people anywhere and anytime, provides focused learning and reduces study costs and stress.

* Note that this conclusion does not 'reveal' much critical thinking skills but merely states the obvious. To get a higher band, you would need to demonstrate your ability to think beyond the obvious hence including recommendations is a very succinct idea to gain brownie points.

Edited Conclusion:

In a nutshell, more and more working adults, housewives and school leavers are exploring the option of online education as a means to self-development. This type of learning helps them learn faster, retain more information and earn a degree at a fraction of the cost. Therefore, the government has sanctioned this medium of education by approving institutes like Open University Malaysia where everyone can learn. It is hoped that more of such universities and learning institutes that offer online learning will mushroom around the country because education is the key to progress and prosperity. 

* Note the difference a good recommendation makes to the ending. Remember that this is the last thing the examiner reads and it is better to end with a good punch.

Well, dear followers, does this explanation help you improve writing? I do hope so. I've blogged a lot about the theory and everyone should get the academic format by now (read my archive!).. but it is a different ballgame entirely when it comes to actually applying the theory. Good luck to all candidates especially my own students who are going to take the July MUET paper this year. Please leave a comment below if you need any clarification. 

MUET Academic Essay Sample March 2014

This is the edited version of my student's  academic essay. What band would you give him? Why?

(Tq Franky, SMK Majakir, 6A1'14)

Question 2: 
The trend today among youths is to own the latest technological gadgets such as mobile phones and other devices. Is this a healthy development among young people? Give your opinion. You should write at least 350 words.

        In this modern world of ours, technological devices such as mobile phones and other gadgets are no longer foreign to us. Most of the young people today are treating these luxuries as a necessity as they compete to own the latest devices, leading to the adults’ questioning whether this is a healthy or an unhealthy development for youths today. In my own humble opinion, this issue will be a never-ending argument because it solely depends on the user itself to determine their purpose of using these devices. Thus in this essay, this issue can be discussed in terms of both healthy and unhealthy development and some recommendations. 

      Firstly, with these newest devices, young people can access information wherever there are with just a touch of their fingers. This can help to expand their knowledge about the current issues of our world which will be a key role to take their mind to a higher level. They can also use these facilities to help them in their studies. All of these can help our country to produce more intellectual people which indeed is a healthy development by contributing to a more productive nation. 

      In the old days, we had to do a lot of work and research in order to finish our school assignment, which is time consuming and tiring. Now we can obtain any information we need for our assignment without having the need to go to the library anymore. This can help the students to save more time for them to do other things. Furthermore, students can also increase their efficiency of work. The government also supports this by launching the ‘Wireless Village’ programme so that both rural and urban people can access the internet without having to subcribe to any internet packages. Overall, students can perform better and become more productive in their work, so this is certainly a healthy development. 

      Moreover, young people that chase after these latest technological devices can help to strengthen the country’s commerce through the constant supply and demand of gadgets. This can help the government to focus more on developing this technology or subsidising companies in this industry as it can guarantee good profits. Besides, in line with the previous years’ budgets, the government is giving out ‘smart phone rebates’ to citizens above the age of 21. All of this can help to improve our economic level and lead to a more developed country, therefore another sign that it is a healthy development. 

      

       On the other hand, this trend to own the latest technology devices could lead to a waste of money. Even though these devices are useful to us, but the fact is that most young people are chasing the latest devices regardless of cost. Mind the word ‘latest’ as they only want the latest edition that is being released in the market almost once per year for different brands such as Samsung and Sony. In order to keep up with the trend, these young people are willing to waste their money or more accurately their parents’ hard-earned money. Instead, they could use the money for better purposes like buying books or stationery. 

        Furthermore, as time goes by, they might eventually become ungrateful for what they already have and keep nagging for new gadgets. This is unhealthy as it breeds materialism. In addition, if one did not have proper discipline within oneself while using these devices, one will easily become a victim to various addictions such as social networking and games. This can cause the young users to become distracted and greatly decrease their work efficiency. As for students, their performance at school might become affected. To add to the matter, young people can easily access inappropriate content such as porn and violent materials at a young age, unsupervised. All of this can retard their mind’s growth and become influenced by negative things. In the end, these devices become a bane to them instead of a boon to the development of society. 

      Hence, for us to fully utilise the advantages of technology, I humble share some of my recommendations. Firstly, parents play a big role as they spend the most time with their children thus they should watch strictly over their children’s usage of these devices per day by limiting it. Next, the government can work on preventing or blocking many harmful websites in our country so that young people have no access to it. 

         In conclusion, I believe that in the end, it depends on the user itself whether to abuse or to use the devices to their disadvantage or advantage. We can draw an analogy from guns – used by the police it enforces the law; by a criminal it abets the crime. It would be illogical to put the gun in jail instead of the person who pulls the trigger. Similarly, it is we ourselves that click the mouse or swipe the screen of our gadget so we must use it responsibly to contribute towards a happier and healthier development in society today.